my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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