My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
