last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
