I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
