either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
