I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
