Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
