Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
