Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
