He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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