I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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