Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
