and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
