good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
