Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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