I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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