Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So apparently I’m into choking now
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
