Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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