"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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