Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
