Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
