i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
