whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
