I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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