if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
