I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
