i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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