Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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