I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
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idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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