it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
