So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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