I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
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She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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