I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
