just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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