Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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