Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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