The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
