Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
