he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
