Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
These tits shall not be calmed
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
