If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
