you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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