I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap