the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
how can u be prego again
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
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Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.