he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
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This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.