if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked