I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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