Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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