Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
