My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
