Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
