So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
