Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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