I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
