i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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