so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
