were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
