Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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