Plan B is the new Plan A
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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