It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
