so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
