I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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