3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
