I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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