there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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