I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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